I dream of blogging...

It is approximately 10:15 a.m. right now, and I am awake. Something is wrong. I don't have to be awake to get ready for work for another two to three hours. Waking up at ten may seem like sleeping in to some, however I am a night owl because of my job. I don't get off work until one a.m. and I am not the type of person that can just come home and go right to bed so that I can wake up early. I usually come home from work, watch movies, or Greys Anatomy, and fall asleep when I can which is usually anywhere from 3:30-6:00 a.m. Even though yesterday was a Sunday and I didn't have to work, I followed my same routine of falling asleep around 4:00 a.m. Now if you have already done the math you think...four to ten, that's six hours of sleep, your good, you don't need anymore than that. However my friend, I would like to point out the fact that this was a very broken six hours. I kept waking up to my dog kiwi stomping all over my head with no regard. I woke up because I was too hot, then I was too cold. Then the thoughts came... not the regular thoughts of "I like tomato's", or "I wonder if I left money in the pocket of my pants". I'm talking the type of thoughts that change your life, and I couldn't stop thinking about how badly I needed to write them down in this blog. See I can't just write them down on a regular piece of paper because the paper would end up in the garbage, or the mess of my car, never to be looked at again. If the paper is just going to be thrown away and never looked at again, I will never hold myself to actually following through with these thoughts, and if I don't follow through with them then there was no point, and if there was no point.... what the hell am I losing precious sleep for? See my point? So here are my thoughts...

Number One: I am done smoking. Right this freaking very second. I AM DONE. I have tried quitting before and it last two weeks, and then I had a very bad day at work and started up again. There is no excuse for why I started up again, but I did and now I need to find the strength to stop again. I am tired of not being able to breathe, and now its getting to be summer time outside and I am going to want to go do all the outdoorsy things that I love to do, and I am not going to be able to do them because I can't breathe. I am also tired of wheezing and waking myself up while sleeping because yet again... I can't breathe. Not to mention I really need to bleach my teeth because of all the smoke stains. Ew, when I put it like this it really makes me wonder why I even smoked in the first place. Truth is, smoking cigarettes helps me manage my weight. I have struggled with my weight my entire life and smoking seemed like a quick fix for this long lasting problem. When I smoke, I eat less, easy as that. In all actuality, as long as I am smoking, I could go all day without eating, and I have. This leads me into my Number Two: I am going to eat right and manage my weight the healthy way. I am going to start working out again and eating right, and hopefully this eliminates how shitty I have been feeling lately. Number Three: I am going to start loving myself for the way I am and not what I think I should be. This one is really hard for me. If I would have just loved myself from the very get go, I would have never started smoking, because everyone knows the damage that cigarettes can do. I think most people including myself just think "it won't happen to me, that happens to other people that smoke much more than I do, that's not going to be me". I am not going to wait until I have a freakin speaking device in my throat to prove that it can be me. I want more in life. So I will love myself, as imperfect as I am. Don't get me wrong, I am still going to have goals to better myself, but I am not going to beat myself down anymore for not being as pretty as my sisters, or as skinny as my friends, or as smart as my co-workers. I am me, and there is a lot to like about me. If I start to love myself for me, I will in turn be happier, and other people around me will notice me. I will be the little smiley girl I used to be when I was little, where my smile was contagious, and it filled the room with light. I want that back.

The final thought I had that kept me from sleeping was, I have never been able to see a Magic Eye. Ya know, the picture that is not really a picture just a bunch of repetitious designs that you have to look past, or look through to see the picture within it? (which for some reason the picture is usually a stupid sail boat). Yep, true story.. I have never been able to see one. So it is my goal to see one. I will practice and work hard and I will let you know how it goes, and if I see one. If you have any tips that may help me see the picture, let me know. I have tried crossing my eyes, holding the paper close to my face and slowly pulling it away. Also I have tried to focus on something behind the picture, or letting my eyes get so fuzzy in hopes that the picture would just pop out. Not one of these attempts has been successful.

So those were my thoughts this morning that kept me from sleep. Sounds like something off Oprah. I'm going to go run now and then get ready for work. Peace!

hahah. You thought I was really gone. I will leave you with one more deep thought of the day. For those of you who text, why is it that with prodictive text, it won't spell the word freaking? It comes up with Freakhog. Can anyone tell me what the hell a freakhog is? alright with that said... i'm out.