On a more serious note...

I am tired. This week has been a rough week for me, and I'm so ready for it to be over. I have been sick for almost two weeks straight now, with no signs of it getting any better, and this is just the beginning. My body is tired from being sick, and working ten to twelve hour days. My mind is tired from fighting with myself and with Kayla, and I just need some sort of peace throughout all of this madness.

I'm starting to wonder if i ruin everything good that comes into my life. I am afraid that I will never find true love, and that I will grow old, alone and miserable because of my own indecisiveness. Am I too picky? not picky enough? I have been dating around now for a while and even though I have met some amazing people, something is missing, or maybe I am not letting them in because I still have Kayla lingering in the back of my mind. I feel like I stop myself from potentially being happy with someone else, because I feel sorry for her. I connected with Kayla on a level that I didn't think was possible again, and it seems harder and harder to just let her go, although I know that she is no good for me. Not that Kayla is a bad person, but she has just not matured yet, and is not willing to take responsibility for herself. She doesn't want a girlfriend, she wants a motherly figure, and I am tired of taking care of people. I have supported too many people for too long now. When is it my turn to be loved and taken care of?

Kayla still doesn't have a job, a car or any means of survival, nore does it look like she is trying to work towards that either. She has depended on other people to take care of her the entire time that I have known her and it seems that this is how she has learned to survive, and she doesn't show signs of changing at all. I cant do it anymore. I love her but I can not just stand and watch someone I love and care about dwindle away. I cant help her anymore so I need to wash my hands of her and let her find someone else to use. I don't want anymore parasites pulling me down.

I went out on a date recently, with no intentions of connecting with this person or feeling anything. I guess you could say I went on this date on a whim. I am great at whims. I guess I didn't expect to feel anything because this person is not my typical type, she is a girly girl, was a cheerleader in high school, social butterfly, and a huge ball of energy, which could steal my spotlight that I so love to shine in. haha. However I was completely wrong. We have so much in common, and the date was fun and exciting and offered everything that I have been looking for. The very next day this person left for California, because she travels all over the U.S. and even out of the country for her job. She is independent, has a job, a car, and actually paid for the entire date. HOLY SHIT! I know, it just adds to the things I am not completely used to. To top it off, she sings, and has traveled to Ireland, and can even speak in the Irish accent, which is totally hot. She has a wonderful personality and I'm sure that my family would love her, because she actually speaks! For those of you who don't know, my family had a very hard time with Kayla (my ex-girlfriend) because she didn't even try to interact with my family, which made things extremely hard for me. It really was like talking to a brick wall. But here I am again, looking at the situation, and maybe over analyzing things, I am scared. Is this too soon? or is this just the part of me that likes to push good things away? I need help, and a little clarity. I want so much to be in a healthy good relationship, its been so long I think I have forgotten what that even feels like.

Well, this blog has been all over the place with my rantings and raving and venting. Please feel free to pick through it and give me your opinion. I am all ears.